"Heartiversary"

A year ago today I woke up with so many emotions..... Where had the time gone? Was this truly the day of Paislyn's LAST open heart surgery?? It sounds weird but I had anxiously awaited this day....... That morning I was nervous, sad, anxious, worried, yet peaceful, excited, and ready..... 3 years ago when the doctors told us our little girl needed to have 3 open heart surgeries it felt like a mountain we would never get over...... Well we did!!! Paislyn was excited that morning.... Poor thing had no idea what was about to happen, but I had prayed peace over her for a very long time. As her momma I was also going through another hard time in my life and what seemed like a losing battle between that and Pays surgery was nothing for God! HE knew what we were up against and HE was in control! As I handed my baby over to the surgeons for the LAST time ..... I felt a peace, an indescribable peace!!!! I didn't just hand my baby over to the doctors... I placed Paislyn in Gods hands and let him carry her through ... And he did! Sometimes I can't fully describe what it feels like to watch your child go through this, unless you have walked this journey yourself you don't quite understand, but it doesn't matter... What matters is that you know that no matter the hardships in our lives, God is there, God is in control and God will bring you through it. I am no stronger than the next person, and honestly when people tell me they see such strength in me I want to laugh.... Many days I feel the complete opposite, but God is strong in me when I am weak!

So I sit here today on May 9th 2014..... I look at Paislyns incredible journey, I look at the people who LOVE and adore Paislyn, the peoples lives she has touched, the thousands of people who have prayed for her and who know exactly who my miss Pay is, and I am overwhelmed! God knew exactly what he was doing.... He took me as young, backward, at times selfish, 22 year old girl and brought me flat on my face before God, and asked the question... "Do you TRUST me?"  He knew how much that tiny little 5lb 14 oz baby girl meant to me , he knew what it would take to grow my faith, he knew that no matter what I wouldn't give up on her and knew he wouldn't either.... He knew that from that day forward Paislyn Nicole Metzger would change my life, my faith, and so many others as well!!!

Paislyns journey is not over, she has a wonderful, full, and amazing life to live. She could always need repairs along the way , but I CHOOSE to BELIEVE and TRUST God the whole way through! God has incredible plans for Paislyn's life! She is healthy, full of life, so smart, STRONG WILLED, beautiful,  and loves Jesus so very much! Paislyn has her first dance recital next week and that is a huge blessing and will be extremely emotional for me as well.  She has mounds of energy, she's PERFECT on her height and weight chart for her age, her oxygen is now at 94-96% (use to be low 70's) , she runs, plays, and interacts like any other 3 year old. These things might seem silly to some people...... But some "heart kids" don't see these accomplishments.... When Paislyn's amazing, yet very BLUNT cardiologist told me a few months back , "Paislyn is a success story"... I about burst into tears.... Coming from him that meant the world to me! She is a SUCCESS story!!! And today we CELEBRATE a year after her last open heart surgery.....We celebrate Paislyns LIFE, we celebrate Gods grace and mercy, we celebrate for every "heart child" around the world!

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS PRAYED FOR PAISLYN AND MYSELF, WHO HAS LOVED US UNCONDITIONALLY, WHO HAS HEARD ME CRY, WHOS HUGGED ME, CALLED ME, MESSAGED ME, GAVE US MONEY, AND WHO HAS BEEN APART OF PAISLYNS JOURNEY AND OUR LIVES!!! We LOVE you all so much and truly couldn't of done it with out you guys!!!


Here are some verses that helped me along the way and still do :


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future. "     Jeremiah 29:11

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”      Joshua 1:9

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. "     Romans 15:13

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”     John 16:33

CHD Awareness Week

Well it's that time again... CHD Awareness Week <3... Three years ago I wasn't even aware of the number of people and families that were affected by heart disease. Not until I held my beautiful baby girl for the first time and heard the words "Your daughter has Hypo Plastic Right Heart Syndrome", then it became very real and I became very aware of how many people have gone through or are going through the same thing I did.  Nearly one of every 100 babies are born with a CHD. Each year over 1,000,000 babies are born worldwide with a congenital heart defect. 100,000 of them will not live to see their first birthday and thousands more die before they reach adulthood. Although those are heart wrenching facts, there is something great that outweighs the bad...... We serve an AMAZING God. Never did I imagine I would have a baby born with half of a heart, but I can say.. I'm Blessed that I did. That might sound crazy to some people, but for me it's very simple.... I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for my faith and my world to be rocked 3 years ago. I was forced to give every fear, hurt, question, doubt, and worry to the Lord. I needed to lay my sweet Paislyn into God's hands and let him have the control. There are so many things I have learned from having a child with a CHD.... I have learned that each and every child is a miracle from God. Having a healthy child is such a gift that some people take for granted. No matter how big or how small all of us have went through a "mountain" in our lives that has caused us worry, hurt, and questions. We need to have compassion to everyone in all of their situations. I learned that the hard way.... There were many days that I was sitting in the hospital watching my little lady fight for her life, having her hooked up to tubes, iv's, machines, oxygen, her teeny tiny chest cut open, and hearing others complain about their child having to get shots at their doctors appointment that day... I felt angry...Like how can you complain about that when I am sitting here watching my daughter go through all this. It wasn't until months to follow that I understood.... Shots are a big deal!!! If I had a perfectly healthy baby I would be a mess to watch them have to have shots too... During Paislyn's last surgery at Michigan I was pushing her down to the cafeteria to get some food.... She had her cute little robe on, her adorable piggy tails, she still had an iv and tubes in her chest but was talking my ear off and feeling well... we came out of the elevator and there in front of us was a mom pushing her little girl in a wheelchair who seemed to be right around Paislyn's age, this little girl had no hair and a mask on her sweet little face and her head was drooped down. I immediately got tears in my eyes and thanked God in that moment for Paislyn's CHD... I thanked him for guiding the Doctors to be able to  "fix" my baby girl...... because this mommy couldn't do what that mommy was going through. It was at that moment that I realized no matter what we are going through or have went through someone is going through something harder.... but no matter if its something little like shots or something Big like a child with a CHD or cancer....God hears our hurts and they hurt all the same. We need to give people grace and compassion in every situation.
 So this month is Congenital Heart Disease awareness month and this has become very near and dear to my heart. As Paislyn has gotten older she has asked more questions about her "pretty" ( her scar) and looks at her surgery pictures a lot. We have read books about her scar and I have told her how beautiful it is.  I continue to remind her how special she is and how God made her heart special. There are so many amazing people I have met over the years who have been on the same journey we have. God has made each and everyone of these kids so strong and special. I want to thank everyone who has loved Paislyn and I through this journey its been a tad crazy and overwhelming at times, but I look at my spunky, sweet, smart, beautiful and loving Paislyn and I wouldn't change a thing! She's been such a gift in my life and through her trials she has touched so many hearts!

Happy 3rd Birthday Paislyn!

Happy birthday to the most beautiful little girl in the world! I can't believe my 5 lb 15 oz baby girl is 3 years old today! I am beyond blessed today as I look at my beautiful daughter. God has given ME the biggest gift today as I watch her play, talk, sing, run, dance and be the amazing little girl God has called her to be. I replay the countless days in the hospitals.... The "she won't survive this surgery" talks from doctors,  the tests, surgeries, etc.... And yet I smile because I look into those big beautiful brown eyes and I see the hands and feet of Jesus. I see what God has done in Paislyns life and am overwhelmed with gratitude. Each and every child is a gift and miracle and I'm so blessed to have been given Paislyn. She is more of a gift to me than she will ever know. I can't even type this without tears coming down my face .......... The other day when Paislyn was getting her chest x-ray a nurse asked Paislyn what she wanted to be when she grew up..  Paislyn very quickly said, " I want to be a doctor so I can fix kids." I looked down at my almost 3 year old and was amazed by that response.... God has given Paislyn such an outgoing and amazing heart, she loves everyone, she knows no strangers, everyone is her "best friend ", and she loves Jesus! Sometimes I wish I had a little more of Paislyn in me...When I was pregnant with pay I use to rub my belly everyday and ask God that she be healthy and whole..... I prayed that everyday, after learning of Paislyns heart condition, I went somewhere I should of and I asked God why? I prayed every single day she be healthy so why did she have to go through all this? Why did she have only half a heart? But I now know the answer..PAISLYN IS HEALTHY:) she's amazing, I prayed she would be healthy , I didn't pray she wouldn't go through trials, I actually sometimes look at Paislyn and can't believe all she has went through and just how amazing and healthy she really is :) ... The day my doctor laid that 5 lb 15 oz little girl on my chest I fell in love..... I didn't know the capacity of what that love would really be. Paislyn has had to be strong since the moment she was born. She is a fighter and spunky and had to be. I love every conversation we have, every kiss, every hug, every giggle, every learning experience,  her beautiful heart, smile, her big brown eyes, her little curls, her prayers, her songs, her cute little sayings, and her "pretty"on her chest! So my baby blessing turns 3 today.... She's not a baby anymore:) Paislyn Nicole thank you for letting me be your mommy! Thank you for challenging me each and everyday to be the Woman and mommy God has called me to be, thank you for changing my life and showing me just what it means to fully TRUST God! You are MY miracle and my baby girl forever and always! I love you so much Paislyn Nicole! Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl.... I can't wait to see what God has in store for your life, I'm not sure I can even comprehend what a testimony you will have and what a blessing you are and will be to everyone you meet! I love you....... Let the Doc Mcstuffins birthday party begin ; )

Well today has been an amazing and overwhelming day for me. Last night I noticed Paislyn looking a little puffy again around her eyes and it started to make me very nervous. As you all know last time that happened she was life flighted to Michigan hours later. Well we took her to the doctor and they did a chest x ray and she does in fact have more fluid around her heart and lungs. The doctors are just going to double her doses of her diuretics to try and get the fluid off and then we will get another chest x ray on Thursday to make sure the fluid is coming off :) the last couple weeks have been interesting to say the least..... Paislyn had an ear infection, in which I PRAISED God.... Weird I know but I'm thankful for the "normal" doctor appointments, also Paislyn has still been VERY emotional and up and down .... It's hard and it makes me sad as her mommy because I want to "fix" whatever it is that is making her act that way. Yes , I know she is two, yes I know she is a girl, and yes I know she is spoiled..... However, the way she is acting is something beyond all of those circumstances. A lot has went on in her life here lately and I pray over her daily for peace. I'm ready for her to live her life and be her happy little self again.

Well in the midst of all those little trials I've had a little stress with some money issues ...... Again , it's just money and well it's very little compared to other issues in my life and everyone else's. Today I went to work and like any other day did what I had to do and went about my day. As I was getting ready to leave I was given an envelope........on the envelope it said Aubrey & Pay...... I looked in the envelope and saw LOTS of money. I immediately said I did not want the envelope and began to ask questions. Well the girls began to tell me that they had raised money for the 5k Team Paislyn walk they did. I tried to sit there and take it all in and I began to laugh so I wouldn't cry, because that's what I do ;) I was then given a stack of papers with lots and lots of names on them...... Well.... I lost it. I cried and cried. I was so overwhelmed.... I mean why in the world would all these people do this for Paislyn and I? Why did we deserve this? As I looked through this list of names I cried harder and harder.... The love and prayers we have received from All these people was amazing enough ... And now this? I still can't comprehend the amount of love we have been shown through this process. There really aren't words for how I feel inside. BLESSED..... That's what we are. We have been beyond blessed actually and if I could personally thank each and everyone of you I would. I am so thankful for each one of you for the money you have given, the prayers you have said, the hugs and words of encouragement, the texts and phone calls I've received. I can't tell you want you all mean to me. I do not deserve everything we have been given but I am so incredibly thankful to each and everyone of you! God has shown his face through all of you..... That money couldn't of came at a better time.... God knew when I needed it and again showed me to always TRUST in him :) so again thank you all for letting God work through each and everyone of you to BLESS US! We love you all so much!

"Give thanks no matter what happens. God wants you to thank him because you believe in Christ Jesus. " 1Thessalonians 5:18

"Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! "      2 Corinthians 9:15

Oh the emotions........

Well we have been home and successfully STAYED home for 9 days now!!! Praise God! Paislyn went back to the cardiologist yesterday and they said she looked great! She got a chest x-ray and it was perfect... NO FLUID! That is such an answer to prayer and I am so thankful, God has watched over and protected Pay! However it has been a very emotion filled week for both Paislyn and I..... Paislyn has been very emotional.... She cries very easily and is so fearful to go to bed. She has been waking up screaming "no don't touch me" and other things in the middle of the night and it's breaking my heart. The last couple nights she fights and fights to go to bed because I am sure she is fearful of the unknown, she's been though so much. As many of you know my sweet little has never been a good sleeper.... I blame it on the numerous hospital stays, but who really knows. Ever since Paislyn was born she has gotten up at least 3 times a night..... It's been hard because her and I are both tired... I hate it for Paislyn because I know she needs and requires sleep, she's like a different little girl when she gets good sleep. But what I hate the most is to see how extremely emotion filled Paislyn is now..... The last couple nights have drained me both physically and emotionally..... As Pay wakes up screaming and crying..... I hold her and cry with her..... I lay my hands on her and ask God to fill her with the peace that only he can, I ask him to comfort her and reassure her she is safe and loved, I ask God to bless her each and everyday and show her his unfading love for her. But it's hard on a mommy..... I also ask the questions like "hasn't she been through enough?" "Why can't she at least sleep peacefully and not be scared?" But I know God has walked us carefully through each step of this process and has had each detail worked out to the good of Paislyn and I and I know he won't stop now. Paislyn freaked out going to the doctor yesterday..... She cried and pleaded with my mom and I that she didn't want any " Iv's or pokes or ouchies"...... Do you blame her? No.... But again it's hard to way as her mommy...... I want to take every fear or anxious thought she has from her, I want to take the pain she's received or remembered from her, I want to make sure she knows that she is safe and protected and most of all..... I want her to be filled with peace and be a beautiful fun little girl! I want her to run and play, sing and dance which she loves to do, I want to watch her learn new things, I want to see her grow to love and lean on God in all things :) Paislyns journey isn't over.... The hardest parts are over, but only God knows what's ahead for Paislyn. I have to remember that he loves Paislyn more than I do, which seems unimaginable. Sooo.... Being honest as Paislyns mommy the last weeks been hard..... At times it's been very overwhelming to know how to deal with all that Paislyn has inside of her.... Battling her emotions, her two year old fits ;), her fears and anxieties has been hard and frustrating for me at times. I also have a very spoiled little girl on my hands ....... Which I'm not complaining about because she deserves everything she's ever received, however I now need to find a balance for discipline because I love her .......of course there has been moments I've let her run the show because she's been in and put of hospitals and how do you get upset at a child with tubes coming out of their chest...... You don't....... So I guess right now I'm asking for more prayer... Please pray for Paislyn as she figures out all the emotions she has inside her and pray for Gods peace to invade her heart! Pray that she starts to sense the peace of being home and not having to go back to the hospital! Pray for guidance for this mommy as I try and continue to guide Paislyn to be the sweet and spunky little girl that God has called her to be. I know God has huge plans for Paislyn and I hope and pray God fills her heart with peace , love, and joy for the rest of her life! She's my world and I'm so thankful and blessed to be her mommy :)

I found this quote in my parenting devotional today and love what is says :)

"Our love grows soft if it is not strengthened by truth, and our truth grows hard if it is not softened by love." -- John Stott. 

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. "      Ephesians 4:15

Home Sweet Home :)

It's that time .... Again .... We get to go HOME :) as WONDERFUL  as this hospital is and as WONDERFUL as every nurse is we are so ready to be home. I am so thankful for a hospital that is so amazing and everyone in it who loves my Paislyn. They will forever be in our hearts :) we have also made friends with families here from all around the world literally :) Paislyn has fallen in love with a little boy who is a year and a half old and his name is Mohomad, Paislyn however calls him "Ohamad" :) his family is from Lebanon and just his mommy is here in the states with him to figure out why his kidneys aren't working and he isn't growing properly. He is a precious , happy little boy and has a sweet mommy too whom I have enjoyed talking to and learning about her culture. People are here from all different religions, all walks of life..... But what brings us together is our precious little kids need to be healed :) please continue to pray from Mohomad and his family:) Also please kep praying for Jaedyn. We first met Jaedyn during Paislyns 2nd open heart surgery and Jaedyns 1st open heart surgery. Jaedyn just had her 3rd here last week and is in the ouchy stage :) She is a beautiful red haired spunky little girl , please continue to pray for her snd her family! Along with all of the friends we have met I honestly can't say enough of these nurses. I want to say thank you to everyone who is a nurse in any field, but it takes a special nurse to love on these children even in their very frustrating moments .... Examples ... Paislyn greeting them with "what are you doing in here?" Or " bye ma'am poo poo head" or " NOOOOO ( with a finger pointed in their face). " they just love her even more lol.... I am SO THANKFUL!!!
I don't even know how to begin to thank EVERYONE who has bought or sent Paislyn gifts, given us money, gift cards, love and encouragement, prayers, hugs, cards, food, and who have truly LOVED us though this process..... You all don't honestly understand what a HUGE part of this journey you have been. It's so amazing to me that I have had such support. At a time in my life where my world has been rocked... God brought to me the most firm foundation of support and love from everyone. He gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding, he brought friends and family in my life that have encouraged me and helped me so much, God has met EVERY and I mean every need of mine since the day we arrived. And I ask myself....... How or why do I every doubt God? Why fear the unknown, when God knows all.... He has my life and Paislyns life all figured out and he is a WONDERFUL person to have it all figured out. Paislyns journey does not end here...... Paislyn has and always will have Congenitial Heart Disease. Her heart has been "fixed".... But her future will always have heart doctors involved :) I BELIEVE God has such amazing plans for my girl. Paislyn has developed a LOVE for Doctors and "doing bitals" on everyone, listening with her "telescope" to everyone's hearts and she says she wants to be a Doctor when she grows up :) well I can't tell you how amazing it would be to have a doctor like Paislyn with a testimony like she does. She can help fix children and tell them about the love, grace, and mercy of Jesus as she does :) God has transformed me throughout Paislyns journey..... I said when Paislyn was 6 weeks old, " If this is what it took for me to fall flat on my face and see and experience Jesus in a way I had never before than every moment of this journey has been worth it. " God is how I've gotten through this.......... My little baby who was not breathing on her own , oxygen levels falling into the 60's and they told me wouldn't survive her 1st open heart surgery...... Is a BEAUTIFUL, SMART, STRONG, SPUNKY, LOVING, 2 and a half year old with an oxygen level in the mid and high 90's!!!!!! :) that is GOD! She is nothing short of a miracle and I am beyond blessed to be her mommy :)
The nurses came into our room the other day when the superheroes where here at the hospital..... They asked Paislyn which one was her favorite superhero....... Her response was ..." My mommy is my favorite superhero." We all just looked at her , me fighting back tears of course :) She's never said anything like that before, but what she doesn't know is that she is and will forever be MY FAVORITE SUPERHERO ;)

We are going HOME!!!!! Praise the LORD!!!!! :) LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "   Jeremiah 29:11

Today I got a pretty amazing surprise :) I got the greatest FaceTime call :) Today there was an amazing group of people who gathered together and had Team Paislyn T-shirts made and they walked in the 5k Color Blaze in Lima for my baby girl. My friend Shanda kept trying to FaceTime me and of course it was having trouble connecting..... But when it finally connected and I saw them all I immediately started crying. It took me by surprise and brought me such joy at the same time :) I couldn't believe all of those wonderful friends of mine came together to do something so selfless for my baby girl. I cry thinking about all the people who love Paislyn..... At how many people Paislyn has touched...it truly is incredible to me. I want to thank everyone that came and walked or ran for Pay today , I love you all soooo much and appreciate you all more than you know. It's so amazing how God has used each one of you in our lives and what a blessing each one of you are to me! You are all very special and loving people! I hope God blesses each one of you like you all have blessed me! Paislyn kept watching the video of all of you all saying " We love you Aubrey and Little Miss Miracle" over and over again saying "Go miracle" lol :)
On a totally different note....... I was thinking today, which you have lots of time to do in a hospital ha ha about how much God has worked in my life in the last 3 years. I was sitting talking to a heart mom in the playroom by myself today and as we were talking I said, " It's not really like me to just talk to people like I have been, Paislyn has really made me come out of my shell a lot." We'll for all of you that know Paislyn she is a people person and talks to everyone:) she played with like 5 new kids today in the playroom and I know God gave her the gift of loving and socializing with others for a reason..... However I was not given that gift :) Paislyn acts like my mom for All of you that no my mom haha they Are social butterflies :) but it made me sit back and think...... Of where I am now compared to where I was when Paislyn was first born... I wasn't strong enough to even stay alone in Paislyns room all night with her for her first surgery and sometimes now I look at the things I am doing and think wow thank you God for working in me to make me the strong mommy I need to be. I am more able to talk to people about Paislyn and other families and I know it's how God has worked in my life. He has given me a confidence in him and myself as a mommy of the most beautiful little girl who has Congential Heart Disease. Paislyns "special heart" has opened a lot of doors for me to meet a lot of "special people". I have been surrounded with so many heart families and friends and my family for support it is truly overwhelming at times. I mean do I really deserve all of this love and support??? It doesn't feel like it at times but WOW :) it's pretty awesome to see and feel! I can say this.... I am the most BLESSED mommy in the world to the most beautiful Paislyn, I have the MOST INCREDIBLE mom and dad and entire family, the greatest Pastor and church family, the most amazing workplace, the most thoughtful friends, and the most amazing heart families and I am so excited about the peace I feel and the place my life is headed..... And all the glory goes to The Lord!!!  I love all of you!! Thank you for coming along side me in this journey!